


You've Hit a Wall (And You've Hit it Hard, My Dear)

by jazzstille



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety, College Student Derek, College Student Scott, College Student Stiles, Coping Derek, Derek Hale is Bad at Feelings, Derek is adopted, Hurt Derek, M/M, Mental Illness, PCS, Post-Concussion Syndrome, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sick Derek, Sick Stiles, Theo and Derek are brothers, Theo's last name is Hale, concussion, derek plays lacrosse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-18 03:19:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14203896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazzstille/pseuds/jazzstille
Summary: If you would have asked Derek what he would be doing six months from now, he would have assumed he would be on the top of his game and taking names across the west coast in men's lacrosse. I mean, that's the only reason he was in California. It's the only way he was able to go to college. He never would have guessed that he would get a concussion be out for the season, let alone forever. He wouldn't have guessed he wouldn't be able to think or read properly.Everything Derek has ever enjoyed is getting ripped out from under him from a hit to the head. Though Derek's world is turned upside down, at least he's not alone. After all, Stiles is the only person who gets him up in the morning anymore.





	You've Hit a Wall (And You've Hit it Hard, My Dear)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! It has been a long three years but I am back writing some more fanfiction. I got my girlfriend into teen wolf and I found a new topic of writing. I really hope you all like it!  
> I wrote this mainly to cope with going to college and also getting a concussion that has caused me to drop almost half of my classes this year and also leave the girls lacrosse team at my school that I was lucky enough to be apart of due to not being able to risk another hit to the head. It’s been a lot to process and writing about it made me feel more in control of all of the things that are out of control for me.  
> The title of this is, as well as the titles of the chapters are from the song The Silence by Bastille. Let me know what y'all think!  
> I’m also slowly making a Spotify playlist that will be updated with referenced songs or things that fit the mood (link will be up here once I assemble it better throughout the story).  
> ****UPDATE: I think I may edit the beginning chapter and fix it before posting the second chapter, both the revisions and second chapter will be posted at the same time, but I’ve been really sick and have not been able to write much so I don’t know what time that will be. Feel free to message me on my tumblr (same as my username here) if you’re dying for updates or need anything or just want to be friends! In the meantime check out my previous Sterek series if you’d like! Thanks all!!

 

It was nights like this that really burdened Derek. On normal occasions, he wouldn’t mind that the power was out. He wouldn’t mind being alone in his dorm. But there were so many people. So much noise. People upstairs stomped as he put some music on his phone to try to drown it out. His head was pounding. He wished his mom would have answered the phone. He knows it’s just his luck for getting the balls to call her, to say how everything was going horribly and that he wanted to go home. That he wanted to be done with school for the year. That he wanted to sit alone and not talk anyone. He didn’t trust anyone. At all. He was so paranoid about everything. His head hurt. If you would have asked what bothered Derek six months ago, he would have never pegged him to say a traumatic brain injury. You wouldn’t have expected him to say not being able to read. Or listen to things very loud. Or go in bright light. Or seizures. Or fainting. Or any of the bullshit that was going on.

One thing Derek did like was being able to shower by himself. No one else on the floor was going to shower in the dark. Derek turned on his flashlight and showered by himself, the warm water and the darkness being comfortable, easing his stiff joints and accommodating the migraine that he had since Tuesday night. He washed his face and wondered why he didn’t tell his mom that he hit his head again in the message. He thinks about how passive the message sounded that he left. He wanted to be thorough, tell her everything that was happening, but he couldn’t get himself to do it. He couldn’t get himself to trust anyone else but Stiles. Stiles was the only one who wouldn’t yell at him, who was patient with him.

Derek looked at his reflection in the faucet of the shower knob. He didn’t feel comfortable in his skin. He didn’t feel like the old Derek. He didn’t feel like a human. He splashed water over the faucet, drowning out his reflection from the dimly lit shower stall. Derek readjusted his phone so that the flashlight wouldn’t reflect onto the faucet and continued to his normal shower routine. He needed to wash his hair. Did he do that already? He ran his hands through his hair, feeling suds leak onto his hands. He rinsed. Why couldn’t he remember things so trivial? It made him frustrated and he didn’t know what to do. He lifted his head and felt the room spin around him. He was glad that he had to sit while he showered now. He grabbed onto one of the bars but it didn’t stop him from gliding backwards and slamming his head on the back of the shower stall. And he was out. He screamed at himself to get up, but his body wasn’t responsive.

“Come on Derek, you are not going to let a shower defeat you. This is the only independence you have now. Get up.” Derek didn’t move and he eventually blacked out, the warm water running across his body. This is where he stayed.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Derek’s hands shook as he climbed the stairs up to the classroom he was supposed to be in. The building looked like it was crumbling, and it smelled ancient. He looked at the ID he, as well as the rest of the first years, had around their necks, seeing the room number printed on the back of it. 309. He peered down the end of the hall, tugging on the end of his cardigan, and walked towards the classroom. The small room was already packed with people. He didn’t know where to sit, and he felt crowded and uncomfortable, so he sat near the wall, carefully putting his things down and looking at the peeling wallpaper and scratched glass on the windows. Orientation week was awful and draining. Derek couldn’t handle being around so many new people. Scratch that. Derek couldn’t stand being around that many people. He noticed that move in day a few days ago that he was almost out of Valium and he was saving his last few until he could go to the pharmacy, which his peer advocates (that consisted of upperclassmen) wouldn’t let him do. Regardless, he wasn’t going to waste one on this stupid essay discussion. He was not going to freak out over a fucking discussion about an essay he wrote from a Ted Talk podcast. 

A handful of sports people sat next to him and he calmed down a bit, knowing that though with his outfit at the time he didn’t look it, he could pull the sports card. He was here like the rest of them. Sports. Division II. The other boys were football but he was there for lacrosse. He would be there for hockey as well if the school had a hockey team. No one in the room made conversation. He could hear someone slip into the back of the room, and slightly turned his head, seeing a boy with big doe eyes behind thick glasses and freckles. He was cute. Looked confident. Looked too straight for Derek. Not that Derek looked gay, but he didn’t look  _ conventional _ to say the least. He turned back to the front of the classroom where three professors split them up into six groups. Derek was happy there were some jocks in his group. And also the doe eyed boy. What luck! He pulled his chair right next to Derek’s and Derek could feel his heart skip a bit, but quickly calmed himself down. Don’t get your hopes up Hale. In the small group go about five people, they all introduced themselves, their major, and where they were from. Derek. Behavioral Neuroscience. Redmond, OR. Doe eyes was next. He introduced himself as Stiles from Beacon Hills, CA. Psychology. Derek saw the boy adjust his glasses and he tried to hide the smile. It was cute, and a distraction from the crowd of people around him. He knew he probably didn’t have a chance with this kid. He was much more lean, attractive, and seemed so much less awkward than Derek. 

“So let’s talk about your essays. Marginalization?” The others in his group looked like they didn’t want to initiate anything. Derek especially did not want to initiate anything but he also wanted to talk as little as possible and get it over with so he could sink back into his chair. 

“Even in the fairly progressive state that society is currently in, marginalization is still in full swing, it’s just gotten different. It’s not as blatant. You aren’t necessarily going to blatantly belittle someone to their face and tell them your speculations of them because society has put them in these separate vessels. But at the same time, if you’re not in the majority, you aren’t necessarily going to think about the struggle of those who haven’t had as much privilege.” Derek felt like he was going to throw up. Sure, it was a topic he was passionate about. How could he not be passionate about it? He was a queer kid, and though from a blue state, still has had the experience of having to go to his grandparents in the southern midwest. He still had to go through trials. He still had issues, lots that he didn’t really talk about in detail. 

 

“That’s such a good point. I think the worst is when it doesn’t look like you’re any different but still discriminated against. Everyone discriminated against everyone for something. The color of their skin, their disabilities, who they love, what gender they define as. It’s hard to live in a world together when a decent number of the population doesn’t understand why people don’t deserve rights just because of something they can’t control.” Derek turned to look at Stiles, and gave a slight smile. No one else in the group really talked during that time except them and a girl with long rainbow hair and piercings on the other side of the circle. Derek didn’t even know what he was saying most of the time, still anxious from the people, but he found some sort of comfort in the honey color of Stiles’ eyes. He was a cool character that Derek wanted to be friends with, or at least see more of. 

Everyone was finally dismissed and Derek took a deep breath and got up, trying to exit the room quickly before seeing people pooling at the door. He stayed back and then felt a tap on his shoulder. Stiles. 

“Hey, um, I really enjoyed being in your group, and I thought you looked pretty cool, can I get your number?” Derek took a minute, taken aback. This boy was asking for his number? Wasn’t he straight? Maybe he just wants to be friends? Either way, Derek didn’t mind having his number. I mean, the only other person Derek talked to was his roommate, and Derek was just too anxious to talk to anyone else.

“Oh, oh yeah definitely! Here…” Derek handed over his phone and Stiles handed his phone over and they exchanged numbers. When they both got their corresponding phones back, Derek sent a text to Stiles,  just saying “hey this is Derek!” and they all left to go back to their dorms. 

Once Derek got back to his dorm he flung himself onto his bed and sighed. He was trying to avoid going to anymore group activities. That’s the thing he hated about NSO. There were constantly so many people around him, and he just wanted to be left alone. He got up and grabbed his lacrosse stick and started pushing balls across the floor. He was glad that he didn’t have to do anything else the rest of the day. He was waiting for his roommate to get back so they could start drinking the rest of the night. Derek was lucky that in his time in the midwest, he was able to get a really nice looking fake. It’s not like there was that much going on there anyways. So he was able to grab a ton of alcohol from the store. He said fuck it and went to the fridge and grabbed some bottles of beer and started drinking while pouring tequila into a bottle he was given during one of the NSO events, so he could properly enjoy his time later. He was invited upstairs to hang out in the lounge later, but he didn’t want to be around all of those people sober. Soon his roommate, Liam, came in and dropped his stuff, sighing. Derek passed him a beer and he nodded and showed a small smile.

“I’m really done with all of this NSO shit. If we’re trying to be successful adults, why are we being treated like fucking kindergarteners?”

“I don’t know man, I’m just glad it’s finally over. Weekend to myself and whatnot. Especially because I need to refill my medication…” Derek pulled out his keys with the little keychain that held his pills and jingled it, a single pill heard rolling around in the plastic capsule. 

“Why didn’t you get a refill before you came?”  
“Because I haven’t used pills since I’ve moved to Oregon. Weed is legal in Oregon my dude. I’m waiting for the paperwork for a California med card to go through so I don’t have to worry about it. Trying to find the right people to talk to and finding the right people to contact into getting it all worked out has been hell. It should be shipped to my parents and then to me, but for now, I just have this and one more refill on this prescription my doctor called in.”

“Oh, I gotcha,” Liam took a swig from his bottle and started filling a water bottle with margarita mix while Derek poured some tequila in it and shook it up for him. Liam wasn’t one to take straight alcohol, and maybe it was Derek’s wild teenage years speaking to him, but he thought that was really mediocre. “Hey, are you going to upstairs?”  
“Maybe in a bit, I want to make some pizza rolls and get a little more shitfaced before I talk to people, meet you up there,”  
“Alright man, sounds like a plan.” Liam left the room and Derek sighed some relief. Sometimes too much contact made him extremely stressed and it was nice to be alone. He quickly went over to the kitchen on his floor and popped some pizza rolls in the oven while he started drinking straight out of the tequila bottle. It wasn’t hitting him how he would have liked, so he drank a bit more and then stopped, saving the rest for later. He wanted to be able to walk to the bar and not get pulled over by police trying to snag some drunk college kids the first week back. Once his pizza rolls were done, he put them in a big party bowl and grabbed his water bottle and headed upstairs. There were a lot of freshmen and a few older students asked to come back early gathered in the main floor lounge, mainly playing board games while someone played music from a laptop connected to the TV. He found Liam and sat next to them and a few of the other lacrosse freshman. He hadn’t really met them, but Liam was lucky enough to already be in the same first class as them, so they were already close. He awkwardly ate a few of his pizza rolls and took a huge swig of tequila from his bottle. It was getting a little loud in the group he was sitting with, so he moved to the couch away from everyone else. He saw someone sit down next to him, a boy with shaggy brown hair who walked with a bit of a limp. 

“Don’t like the crowds either I suppose?” Derek gave a small smile.

“Yeah. It’s a bit loud over there. Just makes me a bit anxious y’know. Doing things by myself.”

“Don’t I get that. My parents have been badgering me about if I’ve been doing okay. The name is Scott by the way. I didn’t catch your name…”  
“Oh, it’s Derek. Where are you from?”  
“I’m from Phoenix, so it’s a bit cold and wet here for my liking,” He gave a small laugh and readjusted his sitting position. Derek could see that at his ankle there was a metal joint and that it stayed still as he adjusted. “Where are you from?”

“Oregon. The middle area, near Mt. Hood, y’know?”

“A bit. So, why did you pick Notre Dame?” 

“Mainly because of lacrosse. Also because of music. But mainly because of psychology. I’m really into it.”  
“Really? Me too! That’s awesome! I’m here because of psych and also because my mom went here, and it was definitely a legacy thing on why I wanted to go. I mean, also because they have a decent track record with disabilities. I can’t always move around the best. It’s difficult being a pirate.” Scott pulled up his pant leg revealing the prosthetic. It went to about his knee joint, and was thin and metallic. 

“Dude I get it. I have my own metal,” Derek rapped his knuckles on his left knee and chuckled. “I was lucky enough to have a knee replacement at 16 and a rod put in my femur.”

“Holy shit that’s badass. You’re a real cyborg! I’m just  kind of a robot…”

“You’re the more badass version and I’m the softy version. I don’t want to offend by asking-.”

“It’s all good. A few years ago I was hiking in the mountains with my family and got an infection from tripping and falling. It didn’t seem that bad until it was too late, and they had to amputate. But I don’t mind it. I can’t move around like I used to, but I can still hike. Well, I’m working up to being able to fully hike. What about you? I mean, if it’s okay to ask…”

“Definitely. Um, Er, it was a really bad lacrosse accident. I was already having knee issues and I was tripped near the concrete and turf and landed on my knee and then got stepped on.” Derek did his best make the lie seem real. It was true. Derek did have a lot of metal in his leg due to an injury, but he didn’t like to go into it. It was a secret that very few people knew about him. 

“Ah man that sucks. But hey, if you’re ever up to hike, let me know, I love being outside.”

“I will definitely let you know!” As soon as Derek said that he felt the alcohol hit him. He ate the rest of his pizza rolls and then finished his water bottle. He was pretty shitfaced at this point. Did anything he was saying to Scott even come off as coherent? There was no way that that was coherent. He started getting really stressed, not really having a good time. He took that personal cue to get up and head back to his dorm, but not without bumping into someone near the doorway.

“Oh, sorry dude,” Derek quickly said, looking up to see a pale boy pushing his glasses higher on his face. “Oh, oh, I’m sorry, I’m just going to, I’m going to go.” Derek quickly scurried downstairs, shoving his pizza rolls in his mouth and running to his door and shutting it. He sighed and took another swig from his water bottle before putting it in the fridge and climbing up onto his bed. He can’t believe he ran into Stiles. Of all people! Why here? Derek sighed and came to the conclusion that Stiles probably wasn’t going to remember the interaction, or him. He threw himself onto his bed, feeling his desk shift where the bed was propped, and he looked at his phone. New message.

 

Stiles: Hey, is everything okay? You seemed distraught…

Derek: I’m fine. I think I had too much to drink

 

Derek decided that was a good response. Maybe he would be left alone for the rest of the night. Liam said he wanted to go to the baseball house that night anyways and drink. They usually hit the bars afterwards, and if Derek was lucky, Liam would crash in someone else’s room. It wasn’t Liam that was necessarily the issue. They got along really well and did things together, like grocery shop and go to dinner and such, but Derek wasn’t in the mood to deal with other people in his room tonight and really wanted to be alone. He was getting really overworked about thinking that on Monday class started and that he looked at the class size and saw there were already 17 people in his class, and he only knew two of them. He was anxious, and the only thing he wanted to do was to call his brother, but his brother was in college in Colorado, and was spending the weekend backpacking in the mountains with some friends with no phone. So he did the next best thing. 

“Mom?”

“Derek, what’s up? How are you enjoying college so far?”

“It’s okay. I don’t like how much we’re doing. I’m around people a lot and it’s making me really antsy.”

“Oh, mijo. I’m sorry. Other than the people, has it been okay?”

“I’m not sure. I just don’t really know if I want to be here right now. Not college in general. I want to be here, but I really just want to sleep in my own bed back home.”

“I understand. At least if you need it, you could drive up to the cabin and spend a weekend there with some friends. If it gets you off campus and less in your head. It’s not a bad time to go, it would relieve you from the LA weather at least,”

“I’m not sure. I might. I just. I don’t know. I don’t even think I have any real friends here. There’s just me, and Liam, and some lacrosse boys, but other than that I’m just. Alone. I’m not enjoying that very well,”

“It will get better Derek. You’ve been there for three days. Give it time…” Derek heard a knock at his door. 

“Hold that thought someone’s at my door. Liam may have locked himself out,” Derek unlocked the door and opened it, revealing Stiles looking up at him. “I’m going to have to call you back.” Derek hung up the phone. 

“Is this a bad time?”

“Um, no, I was just on the phone with my mom and I was probably going to bed, but no biggie. Come in,” Derek opened the door and allowed Stiles to come in.

“Sorry for just dropping by. I was worried about you. Scott told me you left in a rush and I wanted to make sure everything was okay. Sorry. That’s probably really creepy and overstepping my bounds. I’ll just-“

“No, stay. I. I enjoy the company. I just don’t like-“

“A room full of strangers?” Derek giggled a bit

“Yeah, that. I’m not too fond of that. I don’t know. I’ve been really excited to go to college but being here is just making me climb up a wall with anxiety. I don’t know,” Derek opened the door wider and Stiles came in, sitting on the floor and Derek joining him.

“Sorry for sitting, my joints aren’t so good,”

“That makes two of us.” Derek smiled. “Want to feel my metal knee?” Stiles gave a weird look before answering.

“Sure?” Derek guided Stiles hand over his knee and Stiles’ eyes widened. “Wow.”

“Sorry, I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit intoxicated, and when I’m kinda drunk and also anxious I talk about either weird things or just too much.”  
“It’s okay, I relate. School makes me. I don’t know. I haven’t been to full time school in a while…”

“Hey, me neither. I’ve spent a couple of years since high school doing online school, working, and trying to get my shit together. I’m a character.”

“Derek Hale, a character? I have been wanting to know more about this Derek Hale character. Tell me, what’s up in that head of yours?” Stiles tapped his knuckles lightly on Derek’s forehead. Derek let out a chuckle.

“I don’t know man. I’m seen as this deep, broody person, but I’m about as deep as a kiddie pool. There isn’t much here.”  
“Well, where are you from?”

“Originally or currently?”  
“Why not both? I know you talked a little bit about it in the group today about it. But I want to get to know you.”

“You wouldn’t like to get to know me.”  
“Yes I do Derek, I want to get to know you better, I want to be friends with you at least,”  
“At least?”

“We can talk about this at a later time, okay, just. Tell me about you. I want to know.”

Derek took in a breath and slowly let it out.

“Well, I guess I can start with, I’m originally from the midwest. I’m from northern Missouri. I have a bit of a twang when I’m intoxicated enough, but in school I really tried to not have it because I was not only embarrassed of it, but people would make fun of me for it. Um, I have a brother, his name is Theo, and he’s the same age as me. Well, technically 11 days older than me, but who’s counting. I’m adopted, well, as of like two years ago. That’s also when I moved to Oregon. But the Mount Hood area, specifically in Redmond. I play lacrosse, love jazz because I’m a complete cuck, and follow baseball like nobody’s business. I love Bernese Mountain dogs, I really love ducks, and I have two tattoos. There is that enough?”

“Wow, I didn’t expect you to say that much. Tattoos though? Where? I want to see them!” Derek shook his head and took his shirt off. “Wow, and a show! I’m such a lucky person!”

“Shut up.” Derek showed him the triskele on his back and then pulled his jeans down and pulled the right leg of his boxers up to reveal a tattoo that took up most of his thigh. It was a ring of six keys, each key different than the other, and in the pride flag color order.

“Those are really nice. What’s the triskele for?”

“It represents the past, present and future. I have a lot of things that have followed me from my past that have shaped the way my present me is, and in the future I hope to grow.”

“That’s nice. It also reminds me of the BDSM triskele, if you’re aware of that at all…” Stiles rubbed the back of his neck while saying that, his cheeks blushing red.

“Oh don’t worry, I’m aware of that. That’s another reason why I have it tattooed on me.” Stiles then perked up and flashed a big smile.

“We will have a lot to talk about. But also, the ring of keys one, what’s that about?”  
“Well, I was really into musicals in high school, and there’s this one musical, Fun Home, that is fantastic if you’ve listened to the soundtrack of it. So there’s this song called ring of keys that really struck a chord with me. It’s about like. This girl realizing she wasn’t traditional, and I just. Related to it. A lot. So I got a tattoo of it.” Derek put his clothes back on and rubbed his head. “I think I’m going to bed, if that’s okay…”

“Oh yeah, yeah definitely. Sorry if I kept you up!” Stiles started to stand up and combed through his hair before pushing his glasses up on his nose.

“You didn’t. Um. I’m glad that you. I’m glad that you stopped by. Like. Really glad. It was nice talking to you. You’re really cool,”

“Thanks. I had a great time. Text me if you need anything Derek, I’m always here.” Derek smiles as Stiles started to open the door.

“Hey, um, before you leave, since tomorrow is the last day before classes, would you want to grab lunch?”

“Lunch sounds amazing Derek. Text me when you get up. Goodnight!”  
“Goodnight!” Derek shut the door behind Stiles and he felt his heart skip a beat. Stiles was. Amazing. He was a going to be a great friend, even though Derek was also already crushing on him. I mean, he looked great, dressed great, but was definitely out of Derek’s league. He wasn’t going to let himself get feelings for Stiles, no matter how much he wanted it.

“Friends. Just. Friends.” Derek sighed and hopped back on his bed, pulling out his phone.

“Mom? I need to talk to you.”

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Hale! Ball!” Derek looked up from where he was focused and caught the ball in his stick. He was really out of focus today. Practice hadn’t started yet, but he was stressed. His classes weren’t too hard at this point, but he was getting nervous because he had started to develop pain in his knee again. He already had to wear a thick brace during practice and go to physical therapy with his trainer everyday, and he sure as hell didn’t want another surgery, especially if it was a muscle tear. He had already spent a good year recuperating from the surgery he had last time, and he didn’t want it to stop his lacrosse career  _ again _ . 

Derek went back over to his duffel that sat on the sidelines and put on the rest of his gear, changing shoes to his high top cleats and assembling his knee brace. His knee was sore. Everything was sore. Derek thought that he had been working out enough over the summer to not be  _ this _ sore in all of his joints. He went to the gym so much that his brother called him a gym douche, but Derek worked hard to make sure this lacrosse season would go well, and so far, it was having an interesting start. When he got up this morning, he literally crumpled into a ball on the floor when he hopped down. Liam actually laughed at him for it, which fair, it was pretty funny, but also annoying.

“I wish college had a bath. Or a hot tub. Or something to soothe my aching muscles. Fuck.” Derek directed at Liam, who was tying his ankle brace around his cleats.

“You’re telling me. I think there’s going to be a day where you and me just become puddles on the ground.”

“No kidding.” Derek finished tying his shoes and went to go throw ball until practice started, thinking about the nap he was going to take before class from the early morning.

By the time practice was over Derek and Liam were practically limping back to their dorm. Derek’s joints ached like never before and he didn’t know what was going on. Maybe he wasn’t staying as active as he thought. He checked his phone and saw that class had been canceled for the day, and he didn’t mind. He had planned to sleep through lunch so then he could catch up on sleep before getting completely fucked this weekend. His parents had texted him on Monday that his California med card had come in the mail and that they were sending it to him. Maybe this weekend he could chill out and not have to worry about anything else and snag some weed.

Once Derek walked in his room, He crawled up into his bed and looked at his phone. He had a text from Stiles.

**Lunch Today?**

 

**Yeah sounds good. Time? I don’t have class...**

 

**Just text me when you get up again. I know you’ll want a nap. You’ve been grumpy**

 

**I am NOT grumpy.**

 

**Whatever you say Derek**

 

Derek shook his head and crawled into bed. So far the first two weeks of college weren’t horrible, especially because he was getting closer to Stiles, and he really liked him. If he was lucky, the feeling was mutual, but there was no way in hell Derek was going to initiate anything, at least, anytime soon. He was horrible at that. Not at confrontation, but confrontation about emotions other than frustration and anger. He was really good at that. He thinks it’s his face. He never looks happy, but that wasn’t really his fault. He also didn’t really show a lot of facial expressions in general other than neutral. It was mainly because he didn’t want to get close to people, well, for people to get close to him. He was nervous constantly and hesitant of people’s intentions. For good reason. He wanted to tell Stiles everything, to break down his walls, but he also didn’t trust himself to make that decision either. And Derek’s brother definitely wasn’t helping. Theo was protective of Derek and didn’t want the world to hurt him more than it already had, and was always hesitant around other people being around Derek, but he also never knew what was best for him, even if his intentions were not in the wrong place.

Derek’s mind continued to race until he fell asleep in his room alone. He slept best when he was able to sleep with no one else in the room with him, because he didn’t have to have the constant rumination of “am I doing xyz correctly” constantly pestering him to keep him awake into the late hours of the night. When Derek finally did wake, however, it was to being shaken awake by someone. Derek rubbed his eyes to see that Stiles was waking him up, standing below his bed.

“Didn’t anyone teach you to knock?”

“Well, I knocked for about five minutes. Texted you. Called you. Yelled your name through the door, and  _ then _ decided it was okay to let myself in.”

“Oh, my bad.”

“It’s okay, I know you were tired. I’m coming up.” Stiles vaulted himself onto Derek’s bed and slammed into his chest. Derek grunted a bit and sat up more as Stiles leaned against him. “I never noticed your flag hanging in your room,” Stiles pointed to the pride flag that was sprawled across Derek’s wall.

“It was here last time you were here, but also you don’t spend a copious amount of time in my room. We usually hang out in the upstairs lounge…”

“Okay, fair. I do like it though. Did you get it here?”

“No, I got it at a small shop back home.”

“Oh, gotcha, well, do you want to go with me at some point downtown so we can pick up a flag for me?” Derek’s insides were screaming. He now officially knew Stiles was gay! And possibly interested in him! 

“Definitely, we could do that tonight,”

“You mean now?” Derek looked at the time and groaned. It was already almost 5.

“Yeah, I guess now. I need to check my mail first though. I’m expecting something important.”

“Okay,” Derek hopped down from his bed and threw on a pair of jeans and a shirt from his old high school, while lacing up some high top converse. Stiles sat on the edge of Derek’s bed and kicked his feet, waiting for Derek to finish getting his stuff. “Well, if we leave in 10 we can catch a bus to take us downtown.” Stiles said, pushing his glasses up on his face as he read times off of his phone.

“No need, I have a car,”

“Shit I knew that.” Stiles hopped down and they both headed towards the lobby where the mailboxes were. Derek opened his combination and pulled out the envelope in his mother’s handwriting. God bless. His med card. He pulled it out of the envelope and quickly slipped the card into his wallet before leading Stiles towards  E lot behind the dorm building. The lot was kind of far compared to where the upperclassmen dorm parking was, but it wasn’t awful. Derek could feel his muscles pull as he walked and realised that he was going to have to stretch when they came back later. He was tight. 

“So I guess lunch is turning into dinner, hm?” Derek unlocked his car and got in, watching Stiles slide into the black Camaro and close the door.

“Yeah, apparently, because someone’s sleep schedule is fucked beyond repair…”

“Fuck off, I was tired. Did you have to get up for practice this morning? No? That’s what I thought…” Derek started driving towards downtown, Stiles fiddling with the radio.

“Derek, where’s your phone, I want to play music,” Derek fished his phone out of his pocket and Stiles quickly started pulling music up on Spotify. “Can I just shuffle one of your playlists and queue some stuff as we drive?”

“Sure I don’t care.” The song One Word Answers by Charlie Barnes was the first to play.

“What kind of music is this?”

“Oh, this is the new album one of the members of Bastille just put out. Do you listen to Bastille at all?”

“I mean, I’ve heard a bit of them, but I’m probably not as familiar as you…”  
“I love Bastille. I’ve seen them in concert a few times. They are killer every time. It’s genuinely a fun concert to go to, so if they’re ever playing nearby and you want to get tickets with me…”

“That sounds like a riot Derek, I would love that,”

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Towards the end of the night, the two ended up at a Perkins, because they both really wanted breakfast food and pie. Once sitting down, Derek just had to ask.

“So, um, Stiles, how do you feel about me?”

“About you? Um, what do you mean?” Derek wanted to punch himself in the mouth. Why did he say that? This was so awkward! Why did he do that? Derek wanted to jump sideways out of the diner window, but somehow remained calm.

“Um, y’know, I think you’re pretty cute. And I really like spending time with you…”

“Derek, are you joking?” Derek turned a bright color of red.

“What do you mean?”  
“I mean, I’ve been trying to come onto since day one!! Why the fuck do you think I gave you my number? Why do you think I always want to hang out so much? I like you Derek!” Derek did his best to soak in the information. There was no way someone like Stiles would like Derek. There was no way in hell. But he looked like he would be swooning girls at the library while he did physics equations, or play the guitar shallowly in the park, or some stupid John Green novel shit like that. He just didn’t look like he would match as well with Derek. Derek didn’t look gay necessarily, but Derek was bulk and sporty, had tattoos, and according to his roommate, looked like he could “kill a man with a single glance”. 

“You’re lying to me.” Derek said, shaking his head. “There’s no way this is true. I saw you during NSO and I thought you were so cute. You have got to be pranking me.” 

“No! Derek! I’m not! You were so hot. Like. I had to take a second look and I was nuts about you. You were so attractive, but also intimidating as hell. I knew I was not going to leave that room without getting your number or at least _something_ from you so I could see you again. I didn’t know how you felt about me!”  
“Stiles, how did you not know how I felt? I literally let you come in my room, I don’t really talk to anyone else, let alone, invite people to do things with me, and if you didn’t notice, I also am around you all the time. I don’t know how I could have been clearer?”  
“Clearer? That’s so vague! How was I supposed to know I don’t go snooping around you with your lacrosse friends and ask around!”

“Okay, fair, that’s fair. Well, I like you.”

“You like me…”

“Yeah,”  
“So, what are you going to do about it?”

“What do you want me to do about it?” Stiles raised an eyebrow to Derek and he sighed. “So, do you want, do you want to be, together, with me, like, my boyfriend, like, in a relationship?” Stiles chuckled and shook his head.

“God you’re awkward,” Stiles reached over the table to grab Derek by the neck and reach in for a kiss. Derek was surprised by the action but didn’t pull away. When Stiles finally pulled away Derek looked first at him, and then at the old people in the booth across from them staring at them. 

“So, is it a yes?”  
“Yes you big dork. Now let’s pay our bills, not think about how our first date was technically in a Perkins, and go get you some long needed medical marijuana.” Stiles took Derek’s ticket and Derek groaned.

“You drove. I’m paying for dinner.” Derek rolled his eyes.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Once Stiles and Derek got back to their dorm building, Derek went with Stiles up to his room, where they laid together on his bed. Stiles roomed alone due to health issues. Derek knew that Stiles had health issues, considering how sterile his room smelled as well as the multiple medication bottles sitting upright in a small cart near his bed in the second drawer. Derek wanted to ask, but he didn’t because he also knew how it was to be that person that everyone asks “what’s wrong?”. That was him when he had his knee surgery and all of the recovering from that, as well as the multiple scars that he had on his arms and the one near his collar bone. He couldn’t imagine having that around him constantly.

Derek was then distracted by Stiles slowly feeling his arms. He squeezed a little on Derek’s tricep and Derek smiled a bit. He carefully lifted Stiles glasses off of his face and set them down on the bedside table and started kissing up his jawline. 

“Do you realize how long I’ve been wanting to do that?” Derek teased. Stiles moaned under his breath. Derek lifted his shirt and started slowly brushing his chest with his fingertips. Stiles tugged on the back of Derek’s shirt and pulled it over his head, holding his shoulders as Derek’s touch started going lower. He got to the band of Stiles’ boxers and started to play with it, snapping it onto his thin, pale hips. Stiles squirmed a bit. Derek traced his fingers on the inside of Stiles’ thigh and could feel Stiles get more and more antsy. 

“Derek. I know. I know what I said earlier…”  
“About what?”

“The whole thing when we drove back, about, fuck, about us not fucking tonight?”

“Yeah I do…” Derek continued to tease Stiles a little bit, feeling him get hard.

“Well, all bets are off the table on that one.”

“I wasn’t planning on fucking you Stiles,”  
“Derek, just stop being a tease and fuck me already! Okay! I’ve pictured this in my head for the last two weeks, just, do your do okay,”

“You. You pictured us. Fucking…” Derek pulled his hands away and Stiles groaned, displeased.

“Yes. Derek. Just. Goddammit, please, just fuck me. Okay? Please just fuck me!” Derek took that as the okay to continue down Stiles’ pants. He walked his hands slowly down until he could feel his dick, and he wrapped his hand around it. He felt Stiles sink towards the grip and he slowly slipped Stiles’ pants off. He started rubbing the head with the tip of his thumb and heard Stiles give a small, quiet moan while Derek took all of him in his mouth. Derek bobbed up and down as he watched Stiles bite the back of his hand as hard as he could while whimpering. Derek flicked his tongue and could feel Stiles quiver.

“Derek, just,” Stiles grabbed one of Derek’s hands and pulled it onto his ass and the other one he pulled to be around his neck and squeezed. Derek squeezed around Stiles’ neck carefully and grabbed a handfull of his ass before he could feel Stiles come in his mouth. When Stiles was done, Derek wiped his mouth with the side of his hand, and Stiles pulled the same hand to his mouth and cleaned it off.

“Was, was that okay?” Derek asked, laying next to the doe-eyed boy.

“That was great Derek. I haven’t had a sorority girl back where I’m from suck dick that well.”

“I’m glad to know that I’m better than a state school sorority girl,” Derek sighed and Stiles put his head on Derek’s chest and took Derek’s other arm and wrapped around him. Derek liked being that close to Stiles, feeling his skin on his. It felt so comforting, and Derek hadn’t been this comfortable since he came to college. He felt so at ease with the world.

“So, are you going to invite me to one of your lacrosse games this spring?” Stiles asked, shrugging into Derek’s chest.

“If you want to, you can be at all of them. Be loud, and cheer as I smash into another guy,”  
“That sounds just like my type of sport. What position do you play?”

“I used to be a middie, but now I’m low attack since the injury. I’ve been playing since I was little. This and baseball, but I got out of baseball pretty quickly once I got into high school.” Stiles readjusted and laid back down over Derek.

“Thanks for going with me today.”

“It was no thing.”

“It was to me. I’m really glad I’ve had the opportunity to spend these last few weeks with you. I know it seems like everything’s going fast, especially considering how college just puts everything in hyperspeed mode, but I feel like we’ve fallen into this weird niche. And it’s nice. It feels right,”

“I agree. I. I like spending time with you. I don’t usually spend a lot of time around people because I get annoyed easily or I just don’t interact very well socially like that, but I like being around you.” And I want to tell you everything, Derek wanted to say.

They both sat in the silence of Stiles’ room, enjoying the single glow from the lamp they turned on. Derek glanced out the window of the third story dorm and could see people being so casual in their rooms, as well as in the lounge. Everything was so casual. Everything worked so well for everyone, and it seemed that everyone at college had fallen into a place.

“We’re going to have to tell our friends our first date was in a fucking Perkins Derek,” Stiles broke the silence, staring at the ceiling.

“I mean, that seems about right.”

“And that we’ve only been talking for like two weeks. And that I now have this big jocky boyfriend on the fucking lacrosse team. God I’m going to get so much shit back home.”

“Oh…”

“No, not in a bad way Derek, no, not in a bad way, just. Because in high school once I came out I made this pact. Like this rule. That I would never date a super jocky dude. Usually when I would get involved with sporty dudes, they would just want be as a secret one night stand and then just pretend we didn’t know each other outside of that. Also because I didn’t want to be the queer version of the “boy meets girl” fanfiction cliché of that twinky looking boy meeting a big strong dude to carry him through things to even out the personalities and all that bullshit. But, you’re not really like that. You’re just Derek. You’ve definitely got muscles, I’ll tell you that, but you’re also woke. You know a lot about a lot of things, and you have so much respect for people and genuinely try to be a good person-”  
“I’m not a good person Stiles-”

“You are a good person. I could see that from day one. Behind your intimidating look, you truly are a good person. And you’re so patient with everyone.”

“I just internalize how I feel because I don’t want to get angry…”

“Do you realize how hard that is to do? Especially because I know things could not have been easy for you. You didn’t have to tell me and I know it Derek. I see how hard you push yourself to do everything by yourself, to try do get everything together, and I have mad respect for that.” Derek sat in the silence for a bit once Stiles was finished talking. Did Stiles actually think all of these good things about Derek? 

“I’m really glad you think that about me. You are such a good person, especially for me. On an unrelated note, you should wear those jeans more often.”

“Oh, should I? Why? Do you like them? Does big bad Derek Hale like it when I wear tight jeans and strut around?”

“Stop being a brat Stiles.”

“Me? A brat? There’s no way. Stop accusing me of things.” Derek sighed and rolled his eyes and flicking his eyelids. “I love when you do that, but hate when it’s directed at me.”

“You sound like my mother. I bet you two would get along. But that also makes me fearful, because if you both get along, it will be like her and Malia. They love to gang up on me all the time, make me do things y’know. I need someone who’s on my side!”

“Isn’t Theo on your side most of the time?”

“Only when it involves him. Other than that Theo likes to stick his nose where it doesn’t belong. He means well, well, at least I think he does. But he doesn’t do a good job and trying to protect me. I don’t know why he has this protection thing around me. I’m the same height as him and tons more built, like I can protect myself. I don’t know. I think he thinks he has to take the responsibility from the world fucking me over more, and he doesn’t know how to do that. But then again, he isn’t actually in as much control as he thinks…” 

“Why does he want to take so much responsibility for you?”

“Because he was the one who took me in. I used to live in Northern Missouri, like the western part near Kirksville, if you know anything about the state. I used to live with my birth parents, whom I don’t speak of. I don’t communicate with them anymore after what happened. I used to live on a farm and work fields around school. I like to think that my birth parents wanted a kid, that they had good intentions, but just didn’t know how to parent, but sometimes I can’t give them that benefit of the doubt. They used to force me to do chores around our property. I usually had to mow fields and such. But I also did all of the cleaning, and my birth mother was always angry. I don’t remember a time when she was happy. She would toss dishes at me for leaving my shoes in the way where she would trip over them, but I put my shoes with the rest of the shoes on the rack. My birth father was an alcoholic and when he would get angry a lot. He always wore a black leather belt. The clasp on the end of it was really heavy and he would hit me as hard as he could with it. I did my best to not be home, but then came the day when I came out. I don’t know why I came out to them. I think I thought they would be more tolerant of it, especially because they were okay with other people being gay. That was the night that my birth father took me outside and beat me senseless, broke my fucking kneecap with a 2 x 4, and tossed all of my shit out of the house before driving away. My birth mother wasn’t home at the time. I quickly got as much stuff as I could out of the house to the best of my ability because I could barely walk, I took all of my savings and drove away. I was still in shock of what happened. I don’t know how the hell I was able to do all of that.

“This also happened during the summer. I went to the emergency room, had surgery to fix my knee, and then spent the rest of the time trying to recuperate in the ER, while also filing a police report and emancipation papers. I was 16, about to turn 17. I could barely walk, I wasn’t able to do school, and ended up having to quit for online school and get my GED, and started online classes through a community college. I was shipped down to the University and admitted there for a bit while also trying to learn to walk again. During this time, I happened to stumble upon this boy who was visiting a friend in the ER while I was leaving a physical therapy appointment. We had a conversation and I ended up getting his number, he was staying down by the Lake of the Ozarks for the summer with his family. He apparently used to live there, but they moved to Oregon. So, long story slightly shorter, I ended up linking up with his family and they took me in and filed for adoption papers and everything and are now my legal guardians.” Stiles stared at Derek with wide eyes, not even knowing what to say.

“Derek. I’m. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

“It’s. It’s okay. Y’know. Shitty things happen sometimes, but sometimes it opens the door for new opportunities to arise.” Stiles hugged Derek, pulling him in close, and Derek wrapped his arms back around him. “At least I get to be checked when I fly now. That’s always fun. My mom likes to yell at people when we fly. Not to be a dick but people don’t really treat her well and she is **not** going to let anyone step all over her. Like, she already got stepped on at her job for being a woman and hispanic, there is no way that she is going to deal with people at the airport.”  
“Y’know, that’s fair. Also, do you ever think about how we’re far away but not that far away from Alaska and just want to. Go to Alaska. I mean it’s beautiful up there!”

“If that ain’t the truth. I really want to go to Alaska. I’m hoping me and my brother can convince my parents for us to go to Alaska at some point this summer. We usually just go to Missouri, and that’s fine and all, but it’s hot as hell down there, and also humid. I am not a fan of that.”

“Just imagine if I came and visited. I bet the world would be set on fire.” Stiles smiled and Derek pushed him over.

“Whatever. I mean, if you really wanted to make the travel over the summer to Missouri. I don’t know if it would be worth it or not.”

“It would probably be worth it more than me sitting in my house while my dad goes to work and I sit in the ghost town that is Beacon Hills. There isn’t a ton to do, especially since all of my friends back home are scattered around the country. It’s weird. College does that I guess…”

“I want to visit though. I want to see where you’re from. I want to experience it. I love visiting places and imagining the life of people who live there. That’s probably really weird.”

“No, I do the exact same thing! Well, I used to. My dad and I don’t really get out much since my mom passed. It’s not bad, we just don’t have the time and she was a lot better at giving my dad a kick in the pants when he needed a break from work. Though Beacon Hills isn’t on everyone’s radar, some weird shit happens there. It’s not dangerous or anything, just a lot of weird animal attacks and slaughter houses and shit. You find the most bizzare things there. Hopefully I didn’t scare you off too much…”  
“Hey, I love the paranormal, if anything you’re giving me even more reasons to drop by.” Derek and Stiles continued to lay quietly, hearing the occasional sound of the person next to him yell at a video game, and hearing different doors slam shut in his hallway. 

“I was thinking about going home for midterms. We have a few days, and I wanted to see my mom. If you’re not doing anything, do you want to join me?” Stiles’ eyes lit up with excitement. 

“Me? Come visit your family?”

“Well, my brother won’t be there, he’s too far away to come visit, but I thought we could drive up and spend some time up there, I mean, if you wanted to. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,”  
“No, I really want to. Beats just hanging around here. I wasn’t planning on going home for midterms anyways, my dad can’t take off to come get me, and I can’t drive anywhere because my Jeep back home, though great, would not make that drive.”

“So, should I call mom and let her know?”

“Definitely.”

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It was about 3am when Derek finally got back to his room. His roommate was still nowhere to be found, so Derek assumed that he was was still out at a party or crashing at someone else’s. It was nice to have the room to himself. He felt like he could breathe a bit better. He decided that he was going to eat a bowl of cereal and watch the Eric Andre Show, because he wasn’t feeling super tired. He poured out some Cinnamon Toast Crunch and sloshed some milk into his bowl. He didn’t know why, but he genuinely enjoyed the “bird up” bit that Eric Andre did. Overall the series was pretty entertaining to watch if you didn’t want to invest yourself in anything. When Derek finished his food, he went upstairs to the kitchen to clean his dishes. In the main lounge there were a bunch of people playing cards and a few on laptops. He casually shrugged and continued to scrub. Overall the dorm was a lot more dead than normal, a lot less people were around. Derek thinks he recalled that a few of the frats and srats were throwing parties, but he wasn’t for sure.

Derek carefully climbed down the steps to his room and started putting his dishes away under his bed. It was still kind of messy from move-in day and nothing quite had an official spot. He really needed to clean some stuff up. He started rearranging things to fit better and be more organized, stacking dishes, putting his silverware in an unused pint glass, and reorganizing his books on his shelf to better suit other items being stacked on top. Once he was satisfied, he stood up a bit, feeling a rush to his head that made him a bit dizzy. He tried to sit down to wait it out, but instead he fell backwards. He knew it was bad when he felt his head collide with the frame of his bed as he tripped. Warm flashes of pain shot through his head as he fell back into the floor of his room, feeling his head collide with the linoleum and just like that. Knock out cold. 

Derek didn’t know what time it was when he came to. He didn’t know how long he had been out, but he can vaguely recall what happened. He opened his eyes and the pain came shooting back through his temples. He closed his eyes again and desperately tried to reach for his phone. He couldn’t find it and sighed in frustration. Liam still wasn’t in the room. Derek was alone, and he didn’t know what the fuck to do. Derek tried opening his eyes again, but just barely enough to scan the room. He slowly tried to get up, but a wave of nausea brought him back to the ground. He could barely move, or even think. He wanted to call for help, but he didn’t know if it was that serious. After spending more time on the floor, Derek slowly got to his feet, feeling the room spin. He clutched his hand around his bed frame so tightly he thought he was going to leave marks. He then quickly vaulted himself up onto the bed and turned out the light. He was extremely disoriented being so high up. 

“Maybe it will be better tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just try to sleep it off.” Derek thought, pulling out his phone and quickly texting Stiles, doing his best to not look directly at the phone. He closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep, but he could feel this buzz of pain welling up in his head. He could hear cars pass by from the freeway and every time he heard one woosh by, he almost threw up. 

“I should be fine tomorrow. It will be fine tomorrow.” Derek sighed and buried his head in his pillow to try to drown out all light and sound, but it was no use.  There was no way in hell Derek was getting any sleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I will be updating as soon as I possibly can, but writing and comprehending is very slow going for me at the moment.  
> If you have suggestions regarding the fic, requested art, or just want to hang out, you can find me on tumblr at Jazzstille


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